The Delivery Man, a short film

Hey Guys,

New to the forums. Wanted to introduce myself with the trailer to a short film I did semi-recently: [www.deliverymanmovie.com]

Comments/critiques are welcome.

- Lenny P

Hey Lenny

Lovely clear pictures, nice fast download, great website theming, great 'clues' style trailer. Even the music was good.

The only thing I thought was that a couple of the shots were unnecessary. The keys shots for me were one each of the main characters, the guy with the hammer, the guy in the mask , the hostage and the guy with the camera. This gives me a narrative question straight away. Someone is filming someone about to be smashed up with a hammer. How did this happen, and what's going to happen now?

The rest of the shots, for the most part, are kind of distracting. Every shot should push the story forward.

But overall, really nice job.

Very slick. Don't know how you got the download speed and the crystal-clear compression, but it's very impressive.

My main concern is that I'm not quite sure what kind of film I'll be expecting. The pictures look very professional, which raises expectations. The strange music lead me to believe it's a comedy, a spoof of crime films. But I have no idea whether it will be funny, which characters I'm rooting for (is the girl the main character or the crooks?). What I see are pretty pictures and high production values, which aren't quite enough to get me to a movie. You've got the technical parts down, now it's time to write a script for the trailer and figure out how to draw us in. Give us enough of the story and enough of the entertainment value to make us want to see the film. Comedies are not about pictures and lighting; they're about dialogue, timing, action, and character. Definitely bring the sync sound back in.

If your film isn't a comedy, you might want to choose a different piece of music.

Also, the music seems to drop in levels for no reason at two spots. Is there a reason for this?

Perfect cinematography, just needs more screenwriting consideration. Even for a trailer.


www.derekmok.com

I dunno about comedy - where do you get comedy from, Derek? Although - I guess it's a bit Kill Bill. Seems like a bit of homage going on there. I didn't think the music was wrong - I liked it.

And here's why big budget films end up so same same. Four hundred people all saying take this out, put that in, make this happen, stop that happening, I like this, I hate that...

But I agree the trailer script needs tightening. Make every shot count.

> Four hundred people all saying take this out, put that in, make this happen, stop that
> happening, I like this, I hate that...

True. The director picks what makes sense and follows his vision on the rest. Editors tend to make pretty good notes, though...the best notes I ever got in film school were from editing instructors. The directors may disagree, but the notes always make sense.

I didn't think the music was wrong, either...in fact, to me, the music helped set the tone because there wasn't much else that could tell me what film to expect. The cinematography suggested noir, but it can easily be noir spoof (eg. The Man Who Wasn't There) or drama with noir lighting (eg. Good Night, and Good Luck). Cinematography is more guttural; it's hard to determine tone just from that. But if the film is a comedy, I think it's very much well chosen, except for the slight aberrations in levels.

More characterization would be great, as well. Let the people actually speak and interact.


www.derekmok.com